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Summer - 2/8/25

tldr: various unorganized ramblings abt my shortcomings.

I've been having a lot of thoughts recently abt what i am suppossed to do and its looking kinda dire. First off, this summer is my last summer as a minor and its fucking scary that im going to be tecnically an adult just later this year, i feel so fucking chilidsh compared to other people my age and have been struggling with the same issues throughout all of my teenage years so idk what to do now that im not 14 anymore. Yeah my difficulties w socializing and general off putting vibe i give to other people was not fine but understandable when i was just a few years younger, i guess everyone thought i would grow out of it but i havent a single bit, hell its gotten worse.
I honestly feel like i havent achieved nothing for myself in these last few years and its frustrating that every single thing i did to try and improve myself as a person has ended in failure completely by my own hands, my incapability to stray away from comfort has crippled me forever and it doesnt seem to stop. Theres also the fact that moving from one city to the one im currently in was supposed to be a new opportunity for me, the final push i needed to achieve everything i wanted yet im here four years in exactly the same as i started.
I titled this blogpost summer bc thats the reason im thinking all this. This summer was supposed to be my last chance, the one i would dedicate my time towards my appearance, my gender identity, my physical condition, the skills i wanted to learn, everything. You must think that its a lot to wish for in just three months but my expectations were the lowest they could. I just wanted the tiniest bit of progress.
I want to be a better person, i want to have something of value to stand out in, i want to be able to sit down and put effort into something and have it giving results, i want to be more than just a leech to the people i know, i want to have a certain future ahead of me, i want to be able to dress normal, i want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what i see, i want to be able to be happy with myself. This is a long ass list but the issue is, most people dont have these issues, most people can just be normal so why am i the one with all these problems why am i the one that has to be like this, to look like this, to feel like this. I havent been dealt a bad hand in life, I SHOULDNT BE LIKE THIS, these issues are just inherent to myself i lived like this for as long as i can remember being the current me and i just shouldnt because i had every single opportunity to not fuck up. I say current me because i dont feel like the same person i was before 2020, i feel like at some point i just changed for the worse, fundamentally, and became someone that dissapointed everyone that knew the person i was before and everything before is a blur.
Maybe someday ill get better, maybe someday ill be the person i want to be but that seems so unachievable when h see effort i put in seems futile and the person i want to be is fundamentally different to who i am, even if i dont want to.

a man 8/3/25
tldr: gender is a bitch and remembering that i exist and have a physical prescence fucks up my mood
(this first paragraph is corny as hell but these are MY vent posts so whatever, let me be cringe)
Everytime i look into the mirror, i see a man i don't know, he speaks for me, feels for me and acts for me; even so, I do not know him. I think we used to know wach other, he was supposed to be me, back when i was younguer i could see me in him. Now every time i think about him, he makes me sick.
That paragraph is kinda my way to put into words the main point of this post ig. i do not recognize the thing i see in the mirror as myself (notice the use of he) it has to do with geneer, it has to do with confidence (or lack thereof) and it has to do with my overall persowctive on my body. First off, i don't think i was ever a man, socially at least. Goong back through my sparse childhood memories i can see how i never quite fonished fitting in with the notion of boy friendships and like i was a really basic person like the most painfully uninteresting """"boy"""" you could see, yet i just never felt like one of them. As i grew older this feeling kept growing steadyly but my mind was always focused on some other trivial shit i never looked into it. However today, in the mirror i saw a man, maybe it was "my" disheveled 2am messy look or whatever but he looked like a grown ass man, not just a 17yr old but moreso someone that you could easily mistake for being twenty something. Ofc that destroyed me, the mere thought of him being what other people see when talking to me is just disgusting, that's not me, it is not my body, it does not feel like my body, that is someone else on the mirror. It's just weird, i see a different version of him whenever i look into the mirror but none of these feel like me, internally or externally but i dont really have an idea of what really is me.
It doesnt help that controlling my body is also a struggle, moving around, coordination, having sense of where parts of my body are, it never came naturally to me; i bump into things, struggle with precise movements and just feel wrong when doing anything like im not controlling the body i should.
idk it's just weird, ive been floating around the idea of transitioning as a "maybe thatll fix me" sorta deal but it seems as such a big, painful undertaling that im just not ready to shoulder. What if i put all my everything really onto trying to pass as the other gender just to fail due to every aspect of my body being an obstacle against it? Idk it doesnt fully feel like a definitive answer, im not really comfortable with the girl label really.
Whatever, the point of this is that when thinking about me, and about what i say/do (Moreso if you are someone that knows me irl and somehow found this) be aware that i do not feel as the physical thing you are talking to. Not as a way to say "ohhh this hypothetical other me did it and not me" bc at the end of the day sadly it is "me" but moreso as a way to say, yes it is me doing, saying and existimg like this but, for me, it doesnt feel like the right body(?) physical being(?) to carry my thoughts and feelings so try bot to picture me as the thing you would see irl when you hear or read from me.

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