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test but 2

Shadow Generations - 2/24/25

Summer - 2/8/25

tldr: various unorganized ramblings abt my shortcomings.

I've been having a lot of thoughts recently abt what i am suppossed to do and its looking kinda dire. First off, this summer is my last summer as a minor and its fucking scary that im going to be tecnically an adult just later this year, i feel so fucking chilidsh compared to other people my age and have been struggling with the same issues throughout all of my teenage years so idk what to do now that im not 14 anymore. Yeah my difficulties w socializing and general off putting vibe i give to other people was not fine but understandable when i was just a few years younger, i guess everyone thought i would grow out of it but i havent a single bit, hell its gotten worse.
I honestly feel like i havent achieved nothing for myself in these last few years and its frustrating that every single thing i did to try and improve myself as a person has ended in failure completely by my own hands, my incapability to stray away from comfort has crippled me forever and it doesnt seem to stop. Theres also the fact that moving from one city to the one im currently in was supposed to be a new opportunity for me, the final push i needed to achieve everything i wanted yet im here four years in exactly the same as i started.
I titled this blogpost summer bc thats the reason im thinking all this. This summer was supposed to be my last chance, the one i would dedicate my time towards my appearance, my gender identity, my physical condition, the skills i wanted to learn, everything. You must think that its a lot to wish for in just three months but my expectations were the lowest they could. I just wanted the tiniest bit of progress.
I want to be a better person, i want to have something of value to stand out in, i want to be able to sit down and put effort into something and have it giving results, i want to be more than just a leech to the people i know, i want to have a certain future ahead of me, i want to be able to dress normal, i want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what i see, i want to be able to be happy with myself. This is a long ass list but the issue is, most people dont have these issues, most people can just be normal so why am i the one with all these problems why am i the one that has to be like this, to look like this, to feel like this. I havent been dealt a bad hand in life, I SHOULDNT BE LIKE THIS, these issues are just inherent to myself i lived like this for as long as i can remember being the current me and i just shouldnt because i had every single opportunity to not fuck up. I say current me because i dont feel like the same person i was before 2020, i feel like at some point i just changed for the worse, fundamentally, and became someone that dissapointed everyone that knew the person i was before and everything before is a blur.
Maybe someday ill get better, maybe someday ill be the person i want to be but that seems so unachievable when h see effort i put in seems futile and the person i want to be is fundamentally different to who i am, even if i dont want to.